I hate clichés. I absolutely detest them. Anyone who knows me well enough knows this about me. This introduction also happens to be one of the most common clichés, it is actually my first. But with the year we’ve had, please allow it – I’ll allow it. See, this year, it has been the most important year of my life yet. I am unable to refuse to acknowledge the fact that this has, indeed, truly been the best year so far, and I have absolutely loved it!
The highs of 2020 were so high. Very high. And the lows? Extremely low. What I would say was the lowest point, was this period where I was experiencing what I would term as a bout of dysthymia or something akin to that. It was a very difficult and wearisome period. I felt unhealthy, unhappy, unwanted… I suffered from dysmorphia in vast degrees- (something I never got to realize until months later when I was already way over it, and in the process of investigating what the heck had been going on) – crazy. I felt heavy and unattractive. I was also unoccupied, and stuck at home, life felt frivolous and trivial, but also so overwhelmingly large and heavy. I felt like this housefly- a small, irrelevant, more or less useless creature – that somehow, was expected of by the world to accomplish giant and complex human tasks that its little housefly hands could not bear . Like, how cruel is this world, to assign me, a mere housefly that feeds and thrives on dirt, the huge responsibility of successfully performing open heart surgeries on humans? l was an alien. No one spoke my language or understood my existence, experience, feelings, actions and emotions. It was a dark place. I hurt a lot and discovered many wounds. Many healed too, a lot of old and some new. At the lowest moment in my life, I managed to learn the most about joy – and how to make happiness out of seemingly irredeemable situations. The paradoxes of life. It is difficult to know you are happy if you never have been sad.
The highs. The highs were absolutely, insanely beautiful. The greatest blessing of all, was finding my tribe. I got to meet some of the most amazing people, that I deeply understood and who deeply and equally divined me. People with warm hearts, loud laughs, fiery souls, unending banter, witty humour, intelligent minds and kindness so pure, I was surrounded by angels- it felt like. People who filled my soul with so much love. People into whom I poured my love and my heart into, and they reflected it back, matching my energy, me and them mutually complementing each other, so divinely effortlessly, it was unreal. I unapologetically and wholeheartedly indulged in countless beautiful moments, with these beautiful people, feeling the warmth of community with this tribe, and never have I ever, experienced so much love. In such generous servings, I thought I would explode! I gave, and almost immediately, I always received. I never asked but boy, did I get! This year I loved. I said Iove you so many times, it became second nature! I told everyone in my life who mattered, that they did! I lived my life in love, and moved in love, spoke with love, served with love, corrected with love, gave with love, and received with love! I sent so much love out to the world, and I got back so much more right back! I may have lacked, sometimes, in faith, finances or fortitude, but never shall I dare say that I lacked in love. For I truly loved and was truly loved.
The learning that I have done in this year alone opened my eyes to so many things that I never really thought about, or otherwise really just took for granted. This past year was filled with many firsts, lots and lots of Aha! moments, a lot of keen reflections, meditation, affirmations, mindfulness and intention. It is as if a whole new element of life was unlocked, and my greatest blessings just started pouring in, and overflowed. I suddenly gained access to my emotions and was able to feel so intensely that each day felt like the first day of my life. My thoughts were amplified, clear as a bell. I exercised religiously as the dopamine was so pleasantly intoxicating. I went on long walks alone, just me, my headphones and my playlist of an assortment of all genres of music. I danced alone a lot, a lot! I wrote lots of stories, read even more. I poured lots of love and lots quality time into myself. I learnt new skills, improved some and monetized some. I bought myself many presents, and I received so many presents too! I cooked and ate lots of good food, imbibed lots of drinks, partied so hard, tools lots of pictures, I might have even fallen in love at some point, went on so many adventures, all with this heart that felt brand new – it felt like this heart was soaking up these experiences like a sponge. The curiosity, the yearning, the intensity of intention with which this new, brave heart was beating, its enthusiasm and strength of will, its indefatigable craving for more activity, more joy and more stimulus, ah, it was exhilarating!
You know, before I fell into that pit of never-ending sadness earlier in the year, everything was mundane. Food was just food, school was just school. Family was just some people I shared genes with – and for some reason looked like me in one way or another , friends were just some random individuals I happened to stumble upon as I went by with life. Nothing was profound or deep, things just were. I stared at myself going down a very dangerous path of mental health struggle, unable to help myself or stop the madness. I was so convinced that I was not going to make it. Somehow, though, I did. In some sort of way, I did, and I will be eternally grateful. I swore to be eternally grateful. This has been the greatest achievement for me of all this year- to have carefully and commitedly educated, relentlessly loved and desperately cared for myself, and eventually nursing myself back to health. With endless nights of reparenting and learning and unlearning. Talking slowly to myself. I still do. I talk to my heart, I tell it it’s okay that you are hurting, you will be okay. You are strong and you will be just fine. Just give it a little more time. I ask my mind, what is bothering you today? I tell my mind it is okay, my dear, that you are fearful, and scared of all these things. You are not foolish, to feel like that. Your feelings are valid… And sometimes, I find, that that is all we truly need, to be told that we are not crazy and that our emotions are not trying to betray us, rather, to guide us to and through healing and finding our purpose.
This year has been the year that I have cried the most, fought so many battles within and outside myself, lost friends, lost jobs, fell into deep dark places. It has also been the year that I have laughed the most, loved so much and so many people and so hard it almost hurt, won so many battles, read the most books, worked the hardest, grown the most and prayed the most. I have so much to be grateful for, too much. I feel like I have been truly and greatly blessed.
It was a tough year, I can’t believe I made it. Yet I did, despite all odds. You did too. We’re not so bad, after all. We’re on this other side, already, dear friend. Cheers to us 🥂
This is my prayer for you this new year. My affirmations for you, for this next phase.
I hope you find peace. I hope you find love. I hope you are surrounded by people who uplift you and encourage you. I pray that you always have the courage to go out and seek that which makes your heart jump in joy. I hope that you always have the courage to keep going, dusting yourself off and keeping on moving. I pray that your heart remains strong. I pray that your body remains strong. I pray that your bones and muscles exponentially grow stronger as they support your greatest pursuits. I pray the ground on which you walk on feels firm. I hope your skies remain eternally high and the may the air you breathe always be crisp and may it always fill you with enthusiasm, renewed strength and hope to keep chasing your joy. I pray that you give in love and that you receive in love. I pray that you always remember that you do deserve all the good things in life. I pray that you always feel beautiful, worthy and good enough. I pray that you accept your blessings and welcome more. I pray that you laugh heartily, and that when you cry, you know that you shall soon laugh heartily. I hope that as you are kind, the world be kind to you. I pray that you never lack, in material, in ideas nor in emotion. I hope you pray, give thanks, practice gratitude and grow multidimensionally.
I earnestly pray that you have an amazing year. May it be a cornucopia of blessings, pleasures, wins and joys.